Friday, January 18, 2008

WIP, pt 3

Posted here:


"Maybe we're in denial, too." Jesse smiled and ran a hand through his hair. "On the way back, though, we decided that "people" was the best word to use."

Angela thought about it. "I think you're right."

People. She could deal with people, no problem.


Blogger Ymarsakar said...

The story hasn't progressed to the point where I can figure out what things to comment on.

7:09 AM  
Blogger Synova said...

Fair enough. I do appreciate your reading it.

10:40 AM  
Blogger Ymarsakar said...

I would like to see you release larger chapters though, that complete a plot or story arc. Right now, the story is past the prologue and starting up the main story arc.

6:05 PM  
Blogger Ymarsakar said...

The only thing I'm comfortable saying is that when you shift plot scenes, there is a discontinuity. I saw that in the March series by John Ringo and David Weber, at the end of the fourth book, We Few. You could pretty much notice which parts were from whom, but not only that but there is a kind of shear effect. It isn't as smooth as say David Weber's similar emotional scenes in Honor Harrington or Hell Hath No Fury.

I've noticed the same thing, although for different reasons, from Fel's Alpha Project. There's something about internal character thought as you try to move the plot along, that prevents a smooth transition.

Specifically, there's no background thought that the character starts off with. I don't really get the sense of what they believe they are accomplishing while camping, that gets smashed and overturned when they find the surprise. Even if it is just a feeling contentment.

I also sometimes get lost as to who the narrator is. Oftentimes it seems to be one of the characters, while at other times it seems to be third party.

3:23 PM  
Blogger Synova said...

That's helpful, thanks.

5:07 PM  
Blogger Ymarsakar said...

For specifics, in case I hadn't mentioned it, there is the case of the hopes and dreams and aspirations of the children in relation to the thoughts and responsibilities of the adults.

In order for the sudden death panic reaction to make sense to me, there has to be more background for the characters on their goals in life and expectations. Otherwise there doesn't seem to be any reason why they would react the way they are reacting. There is nothing for me to judge by, concerning their previous experiences with crisis.

The part about the children becomes more suspenseful if the narration pumps it up as an exciting trip from the children's viewpoint, explaining their wishes and their hopes for doing what they did. Then when surprise and Murphy hits, the drama is more intense because we can visualize or imagine the inner conflict between the pre 9/11 sentimentality and the post 9/11 mentality. To use one metaphor.

When I read books and stuff, I don't really get an instant sense of what is right or wrong or what. I need more time. But more than that, it is that I need events in the narration to empower me to ask questions. Questions about what a character wants. Questions about what a character holds dear. Questions about the strength of a character's... character.

Such things and questions don't come about unless I see some challenges and plot twists/events. So it is hard for me to figure out what the characterization of the actors are, when the plot hasn't been developed enough.

Whatever criticisms or remarks I offer, are thus incomplete by necessity although not desire.

12:31 PM  

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